I’m glad to have made it to see you. It’s going to be a good month. I have an amazing countdown, and with it being Nov 1st today, in 22 days I get to leave work early, board a plane, and go celebrate a great friend’s 30th birthday, get some fantastic hugs from great hug-givers, and spend some good time in cuddle puddles. Most of all, I get to forget about life as I know it for a while and just have fun, be me, and be worry free. Well as much as I can. Although I am not a fan of the holidays, holidays revolving around family, I will be with a family of friends, and as the days near, I will start to think about the things I am thankful for.
1. Today I am thankful for having a roof over my head. For the electric and heat that comes with it. I’ve spend more than a few days in my car and I got just a glimpse of how horrible it is to be homeless. I don’t ever want to be in that situation again. I cannot begin to imagine the tens of thousands of people in this country, and the millions around the world who have nowhere to go. And at the end of the day, who wake up every morning, and their only intention is to make it through the day. I do not want to find myself in that situation, and I am thankful that today, I have a place to call home. I have food in my fridge. And I have an income to pay the bills I rack up.
I did not block you from my life because I don’t want you do know what is going on with me. I do. I did not block you from my life because I want you out of it. I don’t. I blocked you because I needed you out of my head for a while. I need to not worry about what the other people reading what I write have to say behind my back as they step to my face and pretend to be my friend…I need to not worry about you showing them these things so they can mock me, and pretend they know me enough to know what is going on with me, I don’t need a diagnosis from them. I need to keep working on what I know is right for me, and striving to achieve that. No, you do not see what you are doing to me, at most you can only imagine. You do not feel what I feel in my stomach, my throat, or in the tear ducts behind my eyes. My head wants to talk to you, my head misses you, and my head wants to know what you are up to and how life is treating you. It wants to be part of your life again. But my heart…my heart is not ready. It’s still reeling from heartbreak; its bruises are still healing. It’s still as tender as it ever was, and it’s not strong enough yet. I am not trying to push you out of my life, that’s the last thing I want. I miss you in my life, losing a best friend overnight that I spent the past two years talking to every single day Just like you did what you had to do, right now, I am doing what I have to do.
I spent the last few hours of October thinking about my life, thinking about where I want to go, and thinking about what I need to do too get there. I can’t accomplish it all in a day, it won’t even happen in a week, but it will happen. This I know. And today being November 1st, I will work on the first thing.
- I am proud of whom I am, and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. First and foremost I am Twa. Beyond that I am a 26 year old, single, plump, African American, queer, who will not let anyone make me feel ashamed for it. I am a lot more than that. I am a cancer, I am loving, and wear my heart on my sleeve. It has brought me tremendous problems, but I am learning to live with that. I am 5-8 and a half, and that half is important. Some days I see my glass half empty, and other days its more than half full. I am a broken soul, but I am strong enough to find it within me to not lose myself in that. I am me.
I need to do something with my hair. It’s a nappy mess. And well its pissing me off. I want to find someone to dread it, but wont charge me for it…or I could pay them back with a good meal. Today begins ‘No-Shave November’ and to all my favorite guys out there participating, I hope to see some sexy scruff soon
:)
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