.lonely.

Today has been another one of those days where I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I usually leave my house at 8:30 to drive to work. This is the time I need to be in my car ready to go so I get there on time. I only managed to pull myself out of bed at 8:15. I won’t be home till after 9:30 tonight. I just want to sleep. I miss being able to sleep. I feel like I am putting my body through so much right now. My mind never stops wandering; my thoughts are always constantly racing. I have at least gotten my appetite back. Working two jobs, being emotionally stressed to my limits, not having a good support of friends PHYSICALLY here with me, is stretching me. I feel like a rubber band that is constantly being pulled and released, the tension is still there but every time I get stretched out a little bit more. Pretty soon I feel like it’s all going to snap.


I found a number for the LGBT center here in Philly. I think I am going to make an appointment. I would go to anyone else, but I want to make sure that whoever it is I talk to is LGBT friendly. My previous experiences with therapists/counselors were not the greatest; they made me feel like I was stupid to say the least. I want to go see someone who makes me comfortable and not feel stupid about my thoughts, about me, about my decisions. Only problem is that the LGBT center is in the city. I do NOT drive in the city. I did last night after work for the first time to go see Zach for a hot second, and it took me 3 hours round trip. Ridiculous. Next time I will take the train in.

Eighteen days. I can’t wait. I really can’t, it’s going to be a great time. I just need to make sure I have enough spending money for when I am there, right now it is looking to be VERY tight, but I will work on it. I need to start working out again. I am tired of buying new clothes because my old ones from just last year don’t fit me. It’s depressing.

2. Today I am thankful for being alive. I have had so many near death experiences that could have turned out badly. In a way I have been lucky to avoid such occurrences, but I know anyone can only be so lucky. Most of these occurrences were my fault, or consequences of my actions, some were not. Whatever way they were brought about, I am happy I survived them.

I think loneliness has started to set in…