.back.

I’m back.

In more than one way.

I had the perfect vacation I could have asked for. No itinerary. Just took every day as it came.

I got a great number of much needed hugs, had good laughs, and more than once experienced a feeling that I can only describe as

the “nothing at all matters” feeling.

Is there such a feeling?

I needed time to get away from my constant daily thoughts that had been consuming me. I needed to go somewhere that would let me push the

‘reset’

.button. that was Denver. That is Denver. I went there.

Now.

Now, I’m back.

Most mornings, I found myself reflecting as I sat out in the morning chill having a cigarette by myself – I need to stop that. Smoking cigarettes that is. I had a cigarette, and stared at the sky.

The whole time I was there it was ironically warm.

Minus one day. Steph’s birthday.

It was cold. Frigid.

More # of blocks walked than I can remember.

Frozen. Frigid. Fun.

I looked up at the sky and I pondered.

I reflected.

I searched.

I spend a good amount of my trip in silence…I didn’t talk as much as I usually do.

I was shy.

More than usual.

I didn’t ask for it to be as silent as it was for the most part but it was. And it was nice. It was what I needed. I thought about my past. I thought about my future. I thought about what I wanted out of life. I thought about what I would like out of life. I thought about the roads I had been down, and the forks I had chosen. I thought about the choices I had made and the choices I chose not to make.

This might have been that ‘silent retreat’ I have always wanted to go on. You know...getting the benefits of one, but not ACTUALLY having to go through the whole thing.

Smoking. I need to quit.

Denver…I need to move.

Forgiveness, I need to give.

To you. To me.

There were talks about seeing signs.

I’m cautious, open minded, and eager to see my sign – I have one already. Denver…but why am I waiting for another?

What am I afraid of?

Why am I scared…

A shape repeated in shadows.

A song in their voices.

A gut feeling that just won’t go AWAY!

The smell of happiness

A feeling that overtakes your gut.

Signs.

I am slowly starting to believe

That it’s ok

.it’s REALLY ok

To be the person fighting to come out of me.

It’s really ok to let her out.

To let her free.

Let her be.