Dear Dad

Dada,

If I will actually send this letter to you I don’t know, but in order for me to feel again, I had to write it…

“I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame. I need someone to hold me and wrap me up. To unfold me, because I am so small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me…”

I have waited for you to wake me up from the nightmare I have been living. I used to think I had direction in my life. I knew who I was. I knew who I wanted to be, what I was going to do, and how I was going to live. I knew everything. But now, thanks to you I don’t know any of that anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore, or who I want to be.

I have no direction. I’m living my life…or rather I’m not living it at all. All I know is that I need to get away in order to figure things out. I need to dig myself out of the pile of shit you have put over me. I am stuck on this life support machine because I can’t breathe for myself anymore, I can’t think for myself.

Night after night I pray for Akyere, Adoko, and Otua. For Mama. For what remains of my family. You tore us apart and yet these words that I am writing probably means nothing to you as you read them, but to me it does. Only those that have seen what I have been through in the last few years will know just how much pain there is in every tear that lands on my keyboard tonight.

Notice I said pain…I am not sad anymore…I am not angry, confused, or hopeful. Pain…all I ever feel anymore is pain.

I drop a tear for every phone call I never got. Every birthday wish I missed out on, every ‘I love you’ that went unspoken. For the scars you put on my arms. For every life accomplishment I have made…but you know nothing about. For the months of therapy I went through talking about you. I drop a tear for every piece of you that is left in me.

You have broken me down. Physically, emotionally, mentally…and whatever other way humanly possible. People go through separation and divorces. Adultery-- even if you don’t want to admit to it. I am not stupid. We are not stupid. But the last thing you do…the last thing you should ever do…is neglect your children.

Sometimes I think to myself. The biggest sin you have ever committed was letting them all grow up without a father…especially Otua...but I re-think that…they are going to grow up to be better people than they ever could have been had you been around. The lies you told. The promises you broke over and over again.

You lost my trust. Call me, tell me you love me, tell me you miss me; tell me things will get better. Tell me what you say best. You can say it, and no matter how sweet the sounds to my ears, my heart knows better. My heart knows it cannot deal with any more pain from you.

I need to find peace within me. I need to find myself, find my feelings again. Find my life. I need to take a breath of air. I need my life back.

I think forgiveness is really about acceptance. Letting go of the hurt feelings – or more precisely the ego blows -- we experience when our lives -- and the people in our lives -- don’t behave the way we want them to. Which, lets face it, is most of the time. But if we can somehow recognize and accept ourselves and others for who we are – without judgment – those “hurt feelings” fade away and are replaced by what feels a lot like forgiveness.

Take it as you wish. Pain is what forces us to grow, and I am finally ready to grow. I am tired and emotionally drained. I can’t do it anymore so…I forgive you.
I am done.
I am finished.

I forgive you.

Your daughter,
-Antwiwa