.apologies.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for not trusting you in the past. I’m sorry things got complicated and I pulled away. I wish I still had the friendship you once offered me, but I know that we’ve both grown from where we were back then. You’ve mentioned that you never gave up on me, and I want you to know that, likewise, I have never given up on you. I miss you. And I hope that somewhere down the line our paths will cross once again.

I am sorry I fell for your manipulation. I am sorry that other people don’t see you for who you are. I am sorry you have crossed so many people in the wrong ways and I was daft enough to go against my gut feeling. I can only hope that once day you realize that the person you pride yourself to be is not the person you are reflecting, the faults you quickly put on others are the faults reflected in yourself. I forgive you for your words, for your backstabbing, for your lies. I forgive you for the hurtful things you said to me, and for the increased pain you put me through.

I am sorry I can’t be the friend to you that you might have hoped I would be. I can’t be because I don’t think the pain will ever go away. I am in charge of my happiness, and I won’t let something come between me and getting it. Maybe one day in the future, something will change, something will click, and we can be good friends again. Until then, I am sorry, but I can only be friendly towards you.

I am sorry that I started that fight with you back when we were in 8^th grade. I don’t even remember why we stopped talking. I hopped that we would hash things out and just get back on our merry way. But that didn’t turn out quite the way I saw it happening either. My apology is overdue, but the adult 26yr old me sincerely apologizes.

I am sorry I never did what I knew I should have done when I should have done it. I am just as guilty for the knot within me as you are.

I am sorry. I didn’t realize that wanting you to try harder to be in my life, by being short and ignoring your calls and emails would mean that I would eventually have you out completely. All I wanted from you was the truth to the darkness in my past, and you wouldn’t give me that. I’m sorry you have no idea who I am anymore. I’m sorry you have no idea what I am up to what I do, what my interests are. I’m sorry you lost a daughter you once had.

I’m sorry I can’t be honest with you. I’m sorry I can’t pretend to be friendly. I’m sorry that with you I’ve decided to stop putting myself out there trying to stay in contact with those I believed to be my friends, when in fact you couldn’t care less. You can’t blame the distance, I have friends, true friends, near and far. I’m stopping now.

I am sorry.