.tonio.

In 2001 I met a young man. Intriguing and quite introverted. But full of life and full of joy. I was drawn towards him, his charisma, his never ending love for friends, and his inspiring journey. We were great friends during those two years we spent together at the southern point of the Appalachian mountains, in the valley of Rabun Gap. A town and school that no one ever knows about. During those years I saw his struggle as a young gay man trying to be on the outside what he was on the inside. I didn’t understand why it was so hard. I didn’t understand why people constantly made fun of him for it. I didn’t get it, but I didn’t bother myself with that – I ignored and avoided the situation itself. I didn’t join in the teasing and harassing, but I turned a blind eye to it. To this day I wish I could have been a bigger person and stand by his side, encouraging him and letting him know that they were in the wrong. That he could be who he wanted to be. But I didn’t. Maybe it is because I wasn’t out myself. Maybe it was because I didn’t know who I was back then. Maybe, maybe, maybe….who knows.

Graduation came and we parted ways with a series of hugs, and a long stream of never ending tears. To be honest, I didn’t know or think about where our friendship would head. I made sure to go visit LA over spring break of my freshman year in college. That was the last time I saw him. After that spring break, we kept in touch, but barely…we talked every now and then, but slowly started drifting apart as our lives became consumed with college.

A few years down the line, we reconnected again. In what seems the most perfect time. He moved to Boston with his boyfriend at the time. It was a big move, and trust me, I understand. I did the same thing a few months later, moved from Philly to the U.P. of Michigan with the love of my life at the time. I was excited for him, ridiculously excited, until he told me that things weren’t going as good as he had hoped, and they broke up, and he was moving back to LA. He was broken, devastated, and struggling to keep his head above water. He had given up just about everything for this relationship he poured his heart and soul into, only to be left standing alone in a city that wasn’t his.

I feel like I am living my life in the shadow of his from across the country. He is the only person that understands the pain I have within me. My inability to make sense of my life right now. My daily ups and downs at any given moment. He has been struggling with this for over a year now, and it kills me. Kills me knowing that he is hurting this bad after all this time. Kills me that a year from now I will still probably be reeling in my pain and suffering. Kills me that I feel like I let this happen to me, because I was convinced to let my guard and wall down.

I love you buddy, and I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for being there for me right now. I don’t know how we seem to find each other in times of need, but I wont question it. We’re on a journey together, and I know with you by my side, I will be able to hopefully make it to the other side alive.