.falling.

I wonder if you still feel the same you did a few months ago. Still aware of your actions and their consequences. Or is that past you. I know what I think, and I am pretty sure I know the answer. But I still wonder. I can’t help but wonder. These days my mind has…well a mind of its own. I can’t control it as much as I want to be able to. I’m throwing my hands up and giving up. I’m done fighting against it.


In autumn when the trees are brown
The little leaves come tumbling down
They do not make the slightest sound
But lie so quietly on the ground
Until the wind comes puffing by
And blows them off towards the sky.

My emotions are under control, quietly at peace in the back of my head, till the wind comes and blows them all over the place. Without warning. A little miniature cyclone takes on. I’m left frantically trying to settle everything before major destruction arises. Most times I’m not so lucky and give in. Let the furious winds destroy what they want to.

It’s hard to say, but I was told last night that I need to cut my losses. I can’t hold onto hope that people really do care when they say they do. Their actions would show otherwise. And really… do I REALLY need someone like you in my life. Do I need to hold onto someone who I am always reaching out to…especially right now? I don’t. I don’t need that. Unfortunately, the only person that will always be there when you close your eyes at night is yourself. People talk, people say they are there for you always, but they just say that to make you feel better in the moment...why do I care though? Why does it matter to me so fucking much? It shouldn’t. So it’s not going to. Thank you for the nothing you have brought to my life. And I am sorry I held on this long, hoping you really were the friend I thought you were.

Who said drinking is better than thinking? It is better than what thinking leads to. I’ve been thinking more and more, I need to find a distraction. Something or anything to bury my mind in so I don’t get buried in myself. The book said to try meditation…I think I will, but I fear my ADD won’t let me. But it’s worth a try.

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

Identity
The clock chimes
A man's worth measured in nickels and dimes
The pendulum swings past
Life moves much too fast
Reality is blurred by distorted perception
Bound by ideology
Never set free
A man struggles to find reality
Even in his final hour
Struck by grievous infirmity
Failed in life
The sun sets quicker than it ever did rise
Man is lonely in life as he is in demise

Tomorrow I will wake up, the sun will be shining, and I WILL put on my happy face.
I’m going to hop out of bed, turn my swag on, take a look in the mirror and say wassup…
And if at first I don’t succeed
Then I’ll dust myself oof and try again