.la.fin.

“I feel like I'm Settling.
I'm not supposed to.
I want to be happy. I want to be happy like I was before. The past five nights I have cried myself to sleep.

I'm not getting what I want and need from you and it’s not your fault. You have different needs than I do. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you; I don’t want to keep asking for a kiss when I should just get one. I want to hear you say "I love you" before I say it and wait for your response back. I am human and I have needs. I need a physical relationship as much as an emotional one. But wait...I don't feel like I have an emotional one either. I feel like I am simply a roommate. I've had hopes that things would change, that I could adjust to what it is you need, but I can only adjust so much...after that...I need you to do something. I need you to meet me half way.

I left my friends, the people I have come to make my family, and I have found myself lost in a hole. Depressed more than I have ever been. I’ve gained so much weight because all I do is wallow and eat my emotions away. I got on the scale today and it read 210. I lost it.

I need someone who makes me happy; I need someone who seems to be happy to have conversations with me. Someone who seems interested and not bored. Someone who laughs at my jokes and wants me to keep talking...someone that remembers things I say and is interested in things I do.

I had someone like that. Who matched all the above...I don’t know what happened but I lost her. And I’ve tried to get her back but I seem to be failing. Miserably. And it’s killing me. It’s killing me to think that I might be losing the person I considered to be my soul mate. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I want her back, but I don’t think I can ever or will ever get her back.

For so long I’ve felt like I am the one that is at fault. I am the one that is too emotional so I need to hold my emotions back. I am the one that demands too much so I need to stop being demanding. It was all me. But is it really? I need to meet halfway.

I don’t know what hurts me more. The fact that I might have to make the choice to walk away, or the fact that I keep trying and trying and seem to keep getting beaten down. The fact that I feel like you are just miserable and repulsed with me. You once said it made you proud to be able to walk down the street holding my hand. I don’t remember the last time you held my hand anywhere. You used to say my kisses still gave you butterflies like they did that first time I kissed you. I don’t remember the last time you came up to me and gave me a kiss. You said my hugs were amazing and made you feel better as soon as you got one. When was the last time you huggd me? We used to have fun. We used to be happy. We used to enjoy each other's company.

What happened?
I can’t do this anymore.
I've ran out of options on how I can possibly make this work. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I have been trying to do the wrong thing, or what the right thing is anymore.

We keep putting cracks in our relationship...I don’t know how many more it will stand to take.”

I wrote that about two weeks ago.

Had I known what was going through your head, I would have walked away then. I would never have moved up here. I don’t feel I deserved in any way what you did to me. No, not breaking up because obviously I was thinking down the same path. But literally breaking me the way you did.

1. You had doubts and troubles about being gay since October last year. Why would you not tell me, the person you are dating when it started? Why would you agree to have me move up here with no indication or idea of your thoughts? Why would you watch me leave my friends, and family, literally giving up everything I had to move up, here knowing very well you were unsure of whether or not you were gay. You call me your best friend, and want to maintain that relationship, yet you treated me like dirt. Like shit.

2. Why during every fight we had that was mostly all about the same stuff (me wanting you to be more physical with me – holding my hand, kisses, hugs etc.), why did you not start to explain why you were backing off away from me. Why did you never say the honest reason why you didn’t like to hold my hand, why you soon stopped kissing me? Why we never had sex. Why is it that when I asked you time and time again, you wouldn’t say anything? Time and time again made it seem like it was me that always wanted to talk about stuff. Made it seem like I was wrong for wanting to talk about it, yet I was right in the way I was feeling.

3. A friend would care about the things going on in someone’s life. My friend died two weeks ago on Tuesday, I was devastated, even more so when I knew going to the funeral would be out of the question. Devastated. You asked what happened when I told you he died. I told you and you replied with a sad face. That was it. That was all. Didn’t ask me if I was doing ok, never asked how I was holding up, never asked if there was anything you could do. That’s not only what I would expect from a girlfriend, but it’s what I would expect from someone who I thought as a friend.

That is what hurts, that is what kills me. I gave you my trust and my heart. Both that are the most delicate things I have, both that had been cracked in the past and hadn’t healed, and now are completely broken apart. You not only just gave them back to me, but you tossed them both around recklessly and carelessly for months and months. And when you gave them back, you not only gave them back to me, but dropped and stomped on them a few times first.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve someone who will treat me with respect. Respect that every human being deserves to get regardless of if they are in a relationship or not. All I ever asked of you from the start, from before we started dating was for you to always be honest with me. For you to never lie to me. Those were the things I asked for. Half of our relationship it seems was based on false pretenses. A lie.

“Are you happy with our relationship?” I asked you
“Yes” you answered.

Then again the next day
“Are you happy with our relationship?
“Yes I am”
“Promise me” I said
“I promise”

I don’t even need to go into what it means and feels like knowing that you went as far as promising me. You know exactly what those two words “I promise” means to me. How can you fucking hold your head up right now knowing what you have done? Its taken me a while to figure out exactly how to put how I feel into the least amount of words. In the very best way I can describe it to you right now, I feel used. I feel like a rag doll. I feel like a fool.

I hope that one day someone is able to tell you to your face that sometimes you really are a selfish bitch. And I don’t say it out of anger, but I say it out of honesty. I defended you and your actions so many times. Looking back now, so many times that I shouldn’t have. But more often than none, there is so much shit that comes out of your mouth that hurts people and you wouldn’t ever look back and think twice about it.

I’ve learned that there are two sides to you. The side you pride yourself in – the person that everyone goes to when they have issues and need someone to talk to, someone to confide in. You are everyone’s go-to person. The big friendly always happy girl that everyone likes to be around. And then there is the other side. The side of you that just doesn’t give a fuck. The side of you that is so immersed in your own shit that when anyone lets you know of a great accomplishment of theirs, or something that you should take interest in, you just don’t care. The person that drops people from your life and only lets them back in when you need something from them. Only to apologize, say you haven’t been the friend they’ve needed, haven’t been the person they knew you to be and you will try better...only to have it happen again and again and again.

I am sitting right next to you on the couch, after bawling my eyes out for hours in the room and I am sniffing. You don’t even do as much as to look up.

I know you said you wanted to remain friends. That might have been possible if you had been honest with me from the start. I would have been able to look and accept the fact that we broke up, and still want to be in your life somehow. To be honest, right now, I don’t think there is any possible way that can happen. I don’t think I will ever be able to see you, talk to you, or even hear your name without having resentment towards you. Eventually I might be able to be civil with you, I might be able to have a conversation with you. But I will not be able to have an honest friendship with you. Simply because I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. I don’t know if I can ever find in myself to have respect for someone who doesn’t have respect for others.

A friendship is a personal relationship shared between each friend for the welfare of other, in other words, it is the relationship of trust, faith and concern for each other feelings. It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for what you are and not what he or she is looking in a good friend. A best friend is one who accepts the good as well bad qualities of his friend and also takes an initiative in correcting and mending them. A friendship is a distinctive kind of concern for your friend, it is a relationship of immense faith and love for each other. Friendship is all about how much you care and understand each other. It is a pure relationship, which would make your friend smile, feel good as to how much you love him and care for him. It is all about talking, listening and building up a strong relationship loyalty among each other. It is string of love which develops gradually with each others involvement.

Love is blind. It's was only lies that I was living, It's only tears that I was crying.

This too shall pass. There is no weakness in forgiveness. And maybe one day. Maybe one day down the road I’ll be able to forgive you. But right now, right now I cant.

I’m pretty sure you don’t want to answer any of the questions I asked. If you do, you will respond with “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what you want me to say”, but I would appreciate it if you did. I would appreciate it if you would be raw fully honest with me right now.