Fog

I woke up in a foul mood today. Then again…I didn’t exactly go to bed in the best one either.

CVS is sucking my life away and it’s really starting to get to me. This morning I woke up with a ball of dread in me. I don’t even work till tomorrow. I hate it. I was reminded of working at Paper And Ribbon Supply Co. also known as PAR…or better yet, hell as I remember it . My first job out of college. I cried every morning I went in. I cried when I left in the evening. Don’t get me wrong, I was joyful that I was leaving. I cried because I knew I had to go back in the next morning and do it all over again. That is pretty much the way I feel about CVS. That along with all the other crap going on in my life right now. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t.

I don’t know how to get the invisible weight that is weighing me down. I don’t know how to ease it up a bit. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I just want things to get easier and I don’t know how to make that happen. Granted I should be grateful for everything I have. I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head, grateful that I have a job, two jobs – that with careful budgeting I am able to for the most part stay on top of my bills. I should be thankful for the people I have in my life that care and love me, thankful that I am not worse off like some people are – and there are a lot of people who are MUCH worse off than I am.

I just want to catch a break from it all. I need to be able to pull my head above water and take a deep breath in. a breath deep enough to help me re-focus on the important things in life. The things that keeps me trucking along. Right now I feel as though I am struggling to swim my way up but I cant even see the glimmer of sunlight above me to know that I am anywhere close…I am trying to focus so badly on staying calm. When I panic I use up more energy, more energy means more oxygen needed. I don’t have that. Everything is so blended together that I don’t know right from wrong. I don’t know up from down. I used to look at black and white and I saw red, now I see gray. I can’t do this anymore and it is slowly killing me, I can tell. I know it is. It’s getting to the point where I can’t really hide it anymore either.

Lauren called me up the other day.

“How have you been?”
“Alright”
“Seriously, how have you been?”
“Good, just stressed”
“Twa I’m worried about you, what’s going on?”

I’ve run as much as I can, and the people I can usually do a fairly decent job at convincing that I am alright are not convinced anymore.

I’m stuck in quick sand and I need to get out soon.