Chez...

May 21, 2008
1:55 PM
Sitting at my desk at work…in the suburbs of ‘Ill-a-delphia

Dear…..

I’ve been trying to write something for the past week but every time I put my pen to my paper my mind goes all foggy. I don’t know what it is. I can’t suppress my feelings anymore they way I have been trying to. I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance –ignorance towards myself. I need to suppress this. Just constantly thinking about it is not helping; I think it is making it worse. The butterflies are starting to become irritated, constricted with nowhere to go. Maybe if I say it out it won’t be as scary…it won’t be as foreign. My complicated chaotic little mind can have its peace…just maybe.

This is probably the second hardest thing I have had to tell you…well no; I now consider it the hardest thing ever. Primarily because once you are done reading this (if I ever do give it to you), you will probably not know what to think, you will probably be skived out, our friendship might never be the same, or I might never hear from you again…not particularly in that order. Granted, if I do give this to you, and you tell me you need your space to process all this, I will understand. The scariest part of all this is that I want to know how you are going to react but I have no idea. You could take it great, or you could take it…well…not so great.

I just let out a huge sigh, and I think since I sat down to start writing this, my lungs forgot the importance of breathing. Every time I am near you, talk to you or think about you I seem to forget to breathe. I know a lot of people use that phrase to describe intense emotions, but I literally forget to breathe whenever you are on my mind.

I have got such an overwhelming feeling that at times I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never in my life ever felt this way towards someone, and it scares the crap out of me. I am so incredibly scared. I bite my tongue because I want to scream out my longing for you so badly but I am afraid of the deadly silence that is undoubtedly to follow. I can’t hide behind my implacable facade of logic anymore.

Nobody knows - nobody know but me that I sometimes wonder what could be. Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, the ones I used to hear before I started writing this letter. They seemed to vanish and now I am sitting here, constantly looking over my shoulder for reassurance from someone who is not there.

With whatever I do, I find that I never look for approval from anyone but you. Your words are like heaven in my hurricane (how corny did that sound?). My knees buckle under every time I see you, and I can’t help but think that everyone is watching me. I don’t know how you do it but you keep drawing me in with those big brown eyes…

I wish I could tell you how I really feel. I would have told you by now, but I didn’t, and now I’m afraid it’s too late. I would rather see you and not be with you than to never see you again. I guess I will never know how you feel unless I either tell you, or I give you this letter…which the more I think about it, the more I am sure that will never happen.

I'm not a victim of clichés I don't believe in soul mates or happy endings. But a girl who has the puppy love curse really bad…a girl crazy in love can only dream right? I am not sure how to cover up the damage and the bruises that may come to be. If this doesn’t work, in a closed off corner of my heart I'll always see your face. As the one that got away but I never did stand a chance with.

The secret used to be safe with me, but now I can’t hold it back much longer. Whenever this journey is over I'll go back if you ask me to…

Love Always