Complicated Controversy

You scare me sometimes. I see you walking to that edge and I think I've lost you. I know why you have to disappear on me like that sometimes, but I don’t know if I can handle it all the time. It’s like I'm living a double life but I can’t help it. It’s hard to just open up and be completely honest. You never know what people are going to think. I’m afraid of rejection….afraid of failure and disappointment. I’m afraid.

I’m attracted to women…there I’ve said it…well no technically I haven’t said it, I just wrote it down. But I guess that’s a step for me. But where is that going to get me? What are people going to say? I’ve told a few people. A select few…less than 10…that doesn’t count as me coming out does it? Or does it….I think I have just come out to myself, and that’s what I'm trying to deal with and completely take in right now….coming out. I never thought twice about those two words until just recently…the voluntary public announcement of ones sexual orientation or gender identity.

It all started with the question…”are you gay, straight or bi”. Straight…but I am bi-curious I answered. That was about two months ago…and I just kept thinking. My mind wandered, and as it did I tried to untangle the knots and twists of the questions I couldn’t answer. The emotions I couldn’t gather up and make sense of. Exploring your sexuality is hard. Especially when you have to do it on your own. In reality I shouldn’t be on my own…I mean I've been told

“You know everyone and their mothers”
“No I don’t”
“Yes you do…you know my mom…and M****’s mom, and you met I**’s mom and K**’s mom, not to mention L****, A*****, M***, J**….”
“Ok fine case said”

But why do I feel so alone right now. I have an amazing group of friends, I apparently know everyone and their mom’s…but I can’t say anything. It shouldn’t be a taboo subject, but I’m making it one….maybe the problem lies with me. I need to learn to love myself for who I am. Fully and completely. Let the pieces of my unfinished puzzle fit itself together. I can’t force a piece in that doesn’t belong. The colors don’t match, the shapes don’t match, but I so badly want them to fit easily.

Life is a constant test. I feel like I’m failing it though. If not the test of life, then the test of my sexuality. I never found that cheat sheet that the whole world seems to have a copy of…

Sexuality is fluid…you need to go with the flow….I try to, but I just can’t seem to do it.